Missing KC

KC Haywood was one of the greatest loves and best friends of my life.

I first met him in Lawrence Kansas as an amazing, vivacious 18 year old with spiky bleach blonde hair, a hundred watt smile, and just this fantastic spark and spirit that took your breath away.

The first time I saw him, he literally knocked me down as we both walked to register for classes. He was so apologetic and flustered as he helped me gather my things, but I was in a hurry and couldn't talk...
The next day, he came into the restaurant where I worked to get a job application. We saw each other from a distance, and smiled.
The day after that, a good friend of mine from Wichita, Frank Keith, called to say that a boy who had worked in his comic book shop for years had enrolled at KU. He, Frank, was coming to Lawrence to introduce us so I could take the boy under my wing.

Frank arrived that night, and we drove to the boy's house. When he opened the door I gasped and laughed.
And he said, "Its you!"
And I said, "It's you!"
And he said, "I've been thinking about you for 3 days!"

And that's how I met my wonderful friend, KC Haywood, who would challenge me and laugh with me and kick my ass all over the place.

We had a little romance over the first couple years, but eventually that morphed into a relationship that is the closest thing I will ever have to a brother, and I loved him so much. I love him so much.

It was another call from Frank, on Monday July 7th, that let me know he was gone. Since then I have been trying to work up the courage to articulate something here that would let people know about the wonderful relationship we shared and how much he meant to me.

We did not have the same friends. We had not lived in the same city for years. We hardly saw each other in person. But we always knew to pick up the phone every 4 or 6 months so we could talk for hours. And no matter what we were doing or who were at that time, it was always a given that we loved each other. Even if we argued, or laughed at each other, or totally didn't get the other's choices, we would always be there for each other. He was such an incredibly generous spirit and I just always knew that he would always accept me and would always be a part of my life.

When Frank left me emails to call him, that something was wrong, the first thing I did was to call KC to see if he knew what was up. It never ever ever ever occurred to me that my boy was gone.

The last time I saw him in person was two years ago, at my wedding, when I got to meet his lovely Sarah. He was so happy and in love and I was so happy for him. It meant the world to me that he was there, especially when a lot of my other friends from Lawrence did not make it. But I knew he would never let me down. He never did.

Now, this weekend, I am in Lawrence again. More than once my heart has frozen as I've been sure, for a moment, that I've seen him. He is everywhere here.

I want so desperately to pick up a phone and talk to him.

In the first days after I found out, I called his phone just to hear his voice.
But then it became a ghost voice that broke my heart, so I stopped.

I cannot believe he is not in the world.
I miss him so much.

I have never before believed in religion or heaven or a defined afterlife. Now, though, I find myself thinking that there has to be a place where I will see KC again. There has to. Somewhere where he will walk up to me and say, "Its you!"

My best friend Cassie, who also loved KC, has told me that when someone dies what is hardest on those who loved them is that suddenly their love has nowhere to go.

Sarah, Gail, and everyone who loved KC and was with him through this, I hope you do not mind if I send my love for KC to you. I cannot think of a better place for it.

KC Haywood was one of the best people to ever enter my life and I will never stop missing him. Someday I hope to go to Chicago and see Sarah and meet his friends and see the life that he told me about so many times. But not yet.

For a little while longer I want to believe that he's just a phone call away.